Feelings

Hey guys,

It seems that you guys are doing well. Hopefully y'all having a wonderful vacation. I must apologize beforehand but this post of mine is going to be rather depressing. The loss I've experienced over the break has made me re-realize so many things I've long forgotten.

Let me start from the beginning. It was December 26, the day after my family hosted this emotionally exhausting Christmas dinner. I was a bit hungover (from the coca cola guys, relax) but still eager to get to the mall and get some shopping done. I shall spare you the frivolous details of how I spent the day getting squished and stepped on. When I got home in the late evening, my mother called my grandmother (her mother) to check up on my great-grandma, who, as you may have known, was in critical condition. I was beside my mom when she called and the sound of crying on the other end of the receiver told me all I had to know. I was never the dramatic type so hear me out when I say that the world suddenly muted and I felt like two hands grabbed my legs from underneath and pulled me away from reality. All I heard was a soft 'when did it happen?' and crying. There were lots of crying.

Over the next few days, I went to parties, got sick, and partied some more. I'd sometimes forget about the incident and live life like nothing was wrong. Occasionally I'd get hit by that wave of sadness and burst out crying in the middle of something. It's been about 3 years since I'd last seen her but my memories of when I'd last seen her is vivid and burned to the back of my head. I will forever remember her by her retreating back as she wobbled away in her crutches; her back had been so small, so fragile, so lonely. Perhaps she's in a better place now? Hopefully like Van Gogh said, my great-grandma has taken death to reach a star.

I don't feel like writing much. She's gone, what's more can be said? Yet, I feel like there's this mountain of words piled up inside of me waiting to be unleashed. I can choose to burden those around me by shedding tears of woe. Or I can be a happy and care-free teenager whose only burden in life is to deal with the anxiety of getting into university. I haven't told anyone about her passing because I don't want to deal with people not knowing what to say. Because I never know what to say when someone told me they've lost a loved one. Yet, I yearn for sympathy and someone to know what I'm going through.

I've concluded myself that I should get used to experiences like these. Inevitably, there's going to be more situations like these in the future and we shouldn't feel so tied down after the passing of a loved one. I've come to experience first hand the saying "life goes on" and how remarkably true it is. The world is indeed a cruel place. It does not slow down for you. Instead, it laughs at your despair and mocks your existence. The only thing we can do is, well... live.

Gloria Gaynor's 'I Will Survive' echoed through my mind as I typed this. Inspirational song. Really. So guys, what time is it? It's time to live for myself.

So as I look up at the starry sky through the fogged up window pane, I thought to myself, yep the sky is still up.

Signed,

Taro